Two days ago I was thinking about what my next post would be about. It was not about what I have written today. However, on this beautiful day I came across some situations and issues that were causing a lot of anger for several people. So, during my walk this afternoon I started thinking about anger in general and how people wrestle with the emotions that come with it. Thus, the topic for today.
Anger is one of those emotions that can creep up and grab you slowly or it can just jump on you before you even have time to think about it. The creeping up kind seems to throw me more than the jumping on me kind. For me, when it creeps and finally gets me I generally have to spend too much time figuring out who I'm angry with or what I'm angry about. Doing that takes a lot of energy that I don't have to spare...especially if I'm already mad at someone or about something. So, I've given a lot of thought over the last several years about anger. How to recognize it, how to allow it, how to deal with it, and especially how to let it go.
I stated in an earlier blog that generally I am slow to anger. That is true but there are a few things that make me very angry, very quickly. The kind of anger that jumps on me fast. For example, I was recently in a bathroom stall and heard two women in the stalls on either side of me talking. I thought, "are they talking to me?" I soon discovered they were both talking on cell phones. Can you believe it? I swear this is a true story. Now folks, anger jumped on me in a hurry. I walked out of that bathroom furious! I was thinking, "people really are losing their minds with this cell phone business." I stewed and fumed over it and then thought how ridiculous I was for spending my energy on something that, although very annonying, was not worth what I was feeling. So, within a couple of minutes I let it go.
It is the other anger that I stay on top of now. The creepy kind that can cover me like a dust storm and colors my thoughts and actions for a longer period of time. The kind that I might have every right to feel but is hurting no one but me. The kind that I feel when I stew over something someone has said or done to me or someone I care about. The kind that causes me to be short tempered to those who have done absolutely nothing to deserve my actions. The kind that festers over days and if allowed, it would just sit in my spirit and rot for weeks. It is that kind of anger that I am learning to recognize and handle in a more effective way.
For years, I tried the "putting a lid on it" approach to anger. That approach, combined with a great deal of stress led to a heart attack at age 58. Being the "bright" person that I am, I decided that I might better try a different way. After all, I felt that my life depended on doing just that. So, this is how I am now handling anger.
For the quick anger, I allow myself to recognize it, feel it, and then I let it go---as quickly as possible. The sort of "don't sweat the small stuff" theory. I figure in the whole scheme of things is the fact that two women are talking on cell phones in bathroom stalls going to impact my life significantly? I don't think so.
The creepy, crawly anger is a little harder but what I am doing seems to be working for me. The difference between how I handle this anger is that when I recognize it, I now put it on a "timer." I actually schedule it in on my calendar. Seriously! I figure if it is important enough to take up that much of my time then it is important enough to schedule. Depending on the cirucumstances I might give it 3 days of calendar time if it is a whole heap of anger.
Recently when I found out that Chris was being deployed for the 3rd time, I got really angry and I gave 2 calendar days to crying and another 5 days to being beyond angry. It warranted that much time and I gave it that much. Then, I let it go and moved to the next day leaving those emotions behind. Don't laugh but I not only set the calendar date, I also set a specific time---say 2 days until noon the 2nd day. Sounds silly I guess but for me, rather than a lid, I give it time. The key for me is determining what action needs to be taken, the time needed, setting it, and sticking to it. Like any clock, I have hit the the button when the time is up and allowed myself a few more minutes or hours if I really had not finished what needed to be done to resolve the issue but for the most part I really try to stick to the schedule. After all, how long does any person need to kick, scream, shout, throw things, tell someone what they think of them and their mama?
Just today I recommended this approach to two people who were very angry about two different things. One decided to be mad until noon Thursday. The other decided on Friday at 9:00 a.m. Both scheduled the dates and times on their calendars. I hope it works as well for them as it has for me.
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